from Modern Maturity

Do cramped cabins, annoying dinner compamions, enough food to feed Noah's Ark and enforced fun activities make you want to walk the plank?

There I was, out to sea on a steamy Caribbean night surrounded by shrieking pirates. To my right and left they caroused, reeking of rum, stumbling through the torch fight, slap­ping at each other with plastic swords. Yeah. Plastic swords. It was Pirate Night on our cruise ship, a classic ex­ample of enforced hilarity at sea. And all I could ask myself was, 'How did I end up here?"
I'll tell you how. When I booked the cruise I thought, in order of impor­tance: azure Caribbean water ... gentle sea breezes ... fine French cuisine. My checklist did not include "eye patch." Don't get me wrong. I love seeing the world from a ship. To stay in a nice floating hotel, enjoy fine dining, and wake up each morning in a new, inter­esting place-what's not to love? Well, Pirate Night, for one thing­or any of those unwelcome onboard festivities that seem as relentless as pit bulls in party hats. Or hopelessly friendly yet weirdly aggressive-fellow passengers. Or the uneaten food left on your table each night could feed a small African nation.

Such shortcomings have created a whole breed of what cruise haters, but what they really hate is what they've heard about crusing or their own isolated bad experience.

Objection No. I
'Cruises are like a bad office party that lasts a whole week."
Sid chewed with his mouth open. That's basically all I remember about the guy, but it's a formidable memory nevertheless, because I looked into that gaping, masticating maw for pre­cisely 21 meals, seated by dining room fiat across from him at a particular table for the entire vovage.

Finding yourself mismatched at din­ner is one thing. Being dragged away from your John Grisham novel for Rumbas around the pool or complaints because your morning jog on the promenade deck wakes everyone up.

To sad on a ship with people who are like vou, the number one rule is to choose the right ship.
One way to judge passengers is by the style of the cruise line itself. 'I qualify first-time cruisers by the kind of hotel they like," says Bonnie Habet of Fuller Travel in San Antonio, Texas. 'Let's say they're used to the luxury of Four Seasons. I recommend Radisson, Silversea, or Seaboum. If they like an upper-class Hilton or a Marriott, I'd recommend Royal Caribbean or Celebrity. And if they like to stay in a chain hotel like La Quinta, then I'd put them on Costa, Royal Olympic, or Norwegian Cruise Line.'

As for the world's largest cruise line, Carnival, "We're really no different in passenger demographics than Las Vegas," says senior vice president Vic­ki Freed. (So, it might not be a good fit if you plan to spend your trip curled up on the Lido deck with a copy of Anna Karenina.) Carnival does have a.................

Objection No. 2
I want to eat well, but not like Orson Welles

There are ways to save yourself on a cruise. First if there is a midnight buffet, sleep through it. Check out the back opage of the menu where there's almost always a healthy eating section. In the old days cruise ships seemed to stock enough food to feed Noah's Ark, and the portions wasted could feed a Third World County...........

Objection No. 3

"Do this. Report there. It is as regimented as summer camp."

If peace and quiet is what you want. The bigger the ship, the more confusing blur of activities. On a smaller ship belnding in with the surroundings becomes the main activity. Port destinations too have an overwhelming sense of phoniness to them. The tacky shops pushed up against the pier, for example hawk doodads that may or may not be locally produced. But lots of people consider cruise ships sail up shopping carts...........

[ 09-28-2003: Message edited by: Olympia53 ]

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Originally posted by Olympia53:
By William R. Newcott

from Modern Maturity

Do cramped cabins, annoying dinner compamions, enough food to feed Noah's Ark and enforced fun activities make you want to walk the plank?

[ 09-28-2003: Message edited by: Olympia53 ]

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